To lose a child...

A young father laid down next to his little daughter who had the biggest, most beautiful blue eyes. She had long blonde hair and a tiny little smile that would fill any heart with joy. The young man was laying down next to his little girl in her hospital bed because the doctors just told him that his little angle was shortly about to go to her new home in heaven, he had little time to comfort her and say goodbye. The young man could barely hold back the pain and anguish that plagued his heart and mind as he stared at the tiny hand that barely filled half his palm. Her little hand was cold and getting colder, her breath was labored and struggling to draw its next. He looked into her little eyes for the last time and said, “honey, daddy is here. I’m not leavening you baby. I just wanted to say how much daddy loves you and that…” at this point the father had to look away to hide the overwhelming tears flooding his eyes before continuing. “my little angle, you are about to go meet someone very very special who loves you and wants to see you until daddy comes to live with you again. Don’t be afraid, I will always hold you close in my heart, always.” At this point the dad can’t take it any longer and grabs his little girl closely and begins to weep, soaking her blonde hair in pure sadness. After a few minutes he heard a small voice say softly, “daddy, don’t cry, I will see you again soon. I love you”. She looked up at her dad and gave one last weak little smile before closing her eyes never to open them again.

There is one great fear in every parents mind and deepest nightmares. The fear of watching their child die. It’s a fear that drives us to do over protective things and do everything possible to protect our little ones. It’s my personal greatest fear. We have all heard it from somewhere or another but no matter where you hear it, it stands true: No parent should outlive their child. No parent.

Death however is something that can come at anytime any place. I watched in my rear view mirror 3 years ago as my wife lost control of her suv on a freeway and tumbled more than 200 feet into oncoming traffic. As I watched this horror all I could think about was the insane fear of pulling my wife and kids lifeless bodies from the wreckage. The fear I felt as I ran to the crumpled suv was so over whelming that I was told I was screaming at the top of my lungs as I ran to the suv. I don’t remember ever screaming anything. My mind was so horrified that everything that I did or that happened around me did not exists to me or mean anything. All I wanted was to reach that wreckage as fast as possible. I swear I set some kind of land speed record that day. Thank God my kids came through with nothing more than a few cuts and bruises and my wife was released from the hospital 4 days later.

As I sit here I try to imagine looking into my child’s weak, nearly lifeless face just before he / she dies and the pain of such an event is simply over whelming. How does a parent deal with such a situation? How do they cope with such a loss. To be honest they don’t, and they never will. Its possibly one of the worst things to ever happen to any person. I wish such a thing on no one, nor could I ever. If I had to hold my little girl and look into her beautiful little eyes and say goodbye…I don’t care how strong of a man I claim to be, I would lose it. I don’t think I would ever be the same after. As I wrote the opening piece to this blog I had to stop several times and gather myself to continue writing, as I wrote it I pictured myself in that fathers place. I almost could not write it. Just thinking about such a thing chocked me up.

With all my heart I hope and pray I never have to experience this for real, I also hope and pray that none of you have too either. To the parents who have lost a child, to you I can only say one thing: You have my deepest sympathy.